You know how you feel when you’re explaining the mail window to your parents over Skype? Prepare to feel how your parents feel, when self-checkout arrives, courtesy, so far, of Pick n Pay, who are trialling the technology at a secret location in Cape Town, as mobs of angry Luddites roam the streets in search of it. Pick n Pay view self-checkout as an added service rather than as a replacement for analogue, and assure us that no job would be lost as a result of an, at this stage, hypothetical rollout. Self-service tills, you see, like sheep and rich people, still require human minders to ensure that they don’t walk off a cliff or try to steal your money. One of the very great benefits of the technology, though, is that self-checkouts don’t judge when you buy a party-size pack of NikNaks or an unusual variant of condom.

Comment: Also, they don’t let the current wage dispute for casual staff get in the way of a friendly interaction with the shopper…

Because no trolley full of groceries may now go unaccompanied by a mascot, Food Lover’s Market have introduced a range of plushies to entice younger punters to tug on the sleeves of their parental units until they buy an extra bag of potatoes and push the total over the limit. And because kids love healthy eating, each of the cute collectibles comes with its own message of nutritional encouragement. Thus, for example, Gary Garlic reminds the tots that he’s not only packed full of flavour, he’s also good for the heart. And Charlie Carrot toots his own trumpet rather about the fact that he is the protector of teeth and gums and improves eye-sight. The Goodness Gang, as they’re known, will be running their own puppet shows and cookery classes during the six-month run of the promo.

Comment: Free with every 10 Tatlers you manage to get through: your choice of Sandy Sarcastic, Peter Plagiarism, Harry Hyperbole and Freddy Factcheck.

Experts say success starts with culture, and if you were ever in any doubt about the culture and values of the SPAR Group, you only need to immerse yourself amongst its people, which we at the Trade Tatler had the privilege of doing at last week’s SPAR Convention. A cracker of an event to say the least, that not only showed off the scale of SPAR’s ops, but also highlighted its five strategic drivers. Of course, every event of this kind needs its fair of glitz, which came in the form of the announcement of the 2016 SPAR award winners. And that’s all we have space for here, but if you would like to read a more comprehensive summary of last week’s goings-on, slide that cursor right on over, and click here. 

Comment: If the distinctive way a company behaves and the values it embraces are the foundation upon which the company builds its strategy and operations, then it is clear why SPAR as an organisation continues to go from strength to strength. To Mr O’Connor and the Men and Women in Green, nice one.

According to Unilever CEO “Saint” Paul Polman, punters and investors alike are increasingly attracted to brands intent on doing right by the dear old planet, and the people thereon. He holds up, in all its gleaming whiteness Dove, which, he avers, is along with other brands with a message, outshining comparable brands in the stable to the tune of 30% because of its strongly body-positive message. Ethical investing generally is on the up, having expanded to encompass a full 30% of assets under management, or a cool $21trillion plus some change. All of which goes some way to explaining why Unilever – having just bought the Dollar Shave Club for a cool billion, have now (subject to approval) picked up green Yankee household and personal care outfit Seventh Generation for an undisclosed sum, and are now reputedly going after Jessica Alba’s Honest personal care brand. This after their successful venture in recent years with activist-slash-ice-cream outfit Ben and Jerry’s. 

Comment: Revolutionary stuff, particularly since Unilever has the reputation of letting these businesses carry on doing exactly what it was they were good at in the first place, but on a grander scale.

Throwing a crisp and refreshing gauntlet at the feet of rival SABMiller this month are Heineken, which as you probably know brought Sol beer to the Beloved Country, as part of a strategy to tap into the thirst of local punters for premium brewski’s, while sticking it to rival SABMiller. South Africans, you see, even in these straitened times, are not averse to investing in the cool and amber stuff, having spent R103billion on beer last year, up 9.1% from 2014. And 39% of us, which seems an awful lot, drink the premium stuff on a regular basis, according to Heineken country head and probable Dutchman Ruud van den Eijnden. Heineken, you will recall, took full control of its beer operations in SA in April after dissolving its partnership with Diageo. It now holds a 10% share of the market, and is chipping steadily away at SAB’s 80% share, a legacy of a time when The Big Feller was the only legal brewer in the country.

Comment: Diversity in any market is a good thing, and more so when it’s the bold and bubbly stuff were talking about.

Retail sales grew just 0.8% for the cold and bitter month of July, roughly in line with the expectations of economists who weren’t expecting anything much above 2%. June itself has been a disappointment, growing 1.4% compared with 4.5% in May. The textiles‚ clothing and footwear sector was the big earner – a relative term – contributing 0.8 percentage points of the total, while general dealers and pharmaceutical retailers both kicked in 0.5 percentage points. Responsible for the muted growth were the woes which make up this year’s grim litany – altogether, now: higher interest rates‚ tighter lending criteria, rising inflation‚ drought and high food prices, the rand and pricy imports. And while the lower petrol price this month might provide some relief, the financial vulnerability that blights consumer sentiment these days seems unlikely to be going away anytime soon.    

Comment: A number that flies somewhat in the face of recent good results from some of the retailers in this great industry we call home.

Those Red Bull figures, which you asked about on the way to your big wave surfing appointment after that BASE jumping engagement, remember? If you can hear us over the relentless bass on the dancefloor at Pasha, you will be pleased to know that their profits were up 35% to a record €501million for the year 2015, you downhill-riding free diver, you.

A couple of snapshots from the Aspen numbers for the year through June: while the international business, including Europe, North America and Latin America grew revenue 19% to R18.9billion, with operating profit up 15% to R5.9billion, things back home were not so rosy, with sales declining 1% to R8.1billion in the face of supply chain problems and a weak rand, the former of which, they assure us, they are fixing.