Three years ago, Barclays took a punt of P1.5bn on plucky Botswanan outfit Choppies, who put it all on red, as it were, investing in store openings in Zimbabwe. They were hoping to get their total up to 50 by the end of 2015, a number they missed to the tune of 20 shops, or let’s see, let’s see, 40% of what they’d planned. Nevertheless, they believe they are within sight of their goal of becoming something The Voice of Botswana call “The Full National Player” in Zim.

“South Africa is a terrific market, and it gives you something to work with,” said Walmart CEO Doug McMillon at last week’s Consumer Goods Forum’s Global Summit, “But…” But? BUT?! But what? Calm down to a panic okes. “But our aspirations are for the Sub-Saharan African region,” he concluded. “You can put me in the optimistic group.” With, presumably, Pollyanna, SpongeBob and Shoprite. Oh thank goodness.

After decades of family control, the Ackerman’s Pick n Pay Holdings Company will be spinning off its 52.7% stake in the Pick n Pay Group. This has caused rejoicing among the punters, who have rewarded the business with a 13% jump in share price, and should make it easier for Pick n Pay to raise the cash to fuel its ongoing and impressive afforest to modernize the business and regain market share from the likes of Woolies and Shoprite. To keep the First Family in the loop and their voting rights intact, the company will create a special category of unlisted B shares, which you’ll only be able to get your hands on if your name starts with “Ack” and ends with “Erman.”

A word to the wise: if you want to make a bob or two these days, slip the word “artisan” or “craft”  somewhere into your name, and pretty soon the big boys will be sniffing around, hoping to grab some of your allure and cache and authenticity and use them to prop up their more venerable brands. And so it has been with DV Artisan Chocolate, which makes its product from beans sourced directly from African farmers, and flogs its choccie to Woolies, and which has just had a significant minority stake taken in itself by Remgro, which also owns significant stakes in artisanal chicken producer RCL FOODS and food, home and personal care giant Unilever.

Trading update from IMPERIAL Holdings, from whom we always like to hear. Revenue from continuing operations up 6% to R58.2bn for the six months to December, with operating profit up 4% to R2.8bn off that, against a gloomy backdrop of a 29% drop in the value of the rand, a 9.8% drop in new car sales, a steep drop in commodity volumes and – pertinent to this great industry we call home – “subdued” consumer goods volumes. Altogether, solid stuff from a great business in the excellent hands of Mr. Lamberti, nee Massmart.

By the time you read this, probably, you’ll be wondering what on earth possessed the Brits to vote the way they voted, or breathing a big sigh of relief that they voted the way they did, depending upon which side of the reassuringly chunky pound coin you sit. But bear in mind, as we teeter on the brink of recession, that Britain and Europe are two of our biggest trading partners, and that when mom and dad are fighting even the cats miserable. For our part, we’re all about the removal of barriers and the movement of our great and complicated species towards unity rather than division, so you know what we’re hoping.

After their pleasing little 2.9% bump in March, retail trade sales for the month of April grew just 1.5%, despite economists sunnier predictions of 2.3%, a number whispered into their shell-like ears by a rainbow-hued unicorn who disappeared in a twinkling cloud of stardust.

There’s a school of thought which goes that Starbucks, the ubiquitous chain of drinks selling a beverage once called coffee but now eponymous (see what we did there?) with the chain, has dented the sales of Coca-Cola and Pepsi by stealing not just sales or market share but time itself – the “occasions” if you will, on which one once reached for an icy cola, but now queues up dutifully under the green and white mermaid sign. Long sentence, we’re a little lost ourselves, let’s call it a day.