Dead frogs in your salad? Dead bugs in your noodles? Certain special-interest shareholders supporting the boycott? Believe it or not, these are probably the stories on which Woolies would prefer we report this week. But being the responsible news organisation that we are, Tatler Inc. bring you the real dirt, to wit: The Dapper One’s share price is down on the news that domestic food sales grew 13% for the first 20 weeks of the FY, compared with 17% for a similar period last year, with clothing at 8.8% compared with 11%. This would suggest that Woolies’ immunity against the economic travails of the South African punter is beginning to wear off, or more accurately, that consumers at the upper end are starting at last to feel the pain. On the upside, while Woolies’ like-for-like growth in food has hit negative territory, they’re still outperforming the rest of the retailers. 

Comment: How about them frogs, bugs and Israeli avo’s, eh?

We are all apparently locavores, if you were to believe our retailers, and there’s no compelling reason we shouldn’t. Local produce accounts for about 90% of Pick n Pay’s fresh-food offer; at Woolies it’s about the same, while at Checkers it’s 99%. And this, according to PnP group executive of strategy and corporate affairs, is just how the punters like it. They want to buy local, while maintaining their demand for world-class produce. This, he says, is because they trust something when they know its provenance, and they believe that well-travelled lettuce is bad for the environment. Also, that when the proverbial rutabaga of civilisation hits the rapidly whirling fan blades of history and we’re all sharpening our sticks to fend off the hungry neighbours, an eat-local policy is more viable. South Africa is ahead of the curve in this particular: at 75%, our consumption of local produce beats that of the UK, at a scarily-low 60%. 

Comment: Food security is within our reach, and our retailers are showing the way.

And so, like the Super 15, results season grinds on, with groin strains and pulled hammies and sheer exhaustion enervating the Executive front row. This week, it’s the turn of Astral Foods, whose revenue surged (we are told) 13% to 9.6 billions of rands for the year which ended, as they do, on Sept 30. And operating profit soared a scarce believable 88% to R493million. How came this to be? you ask, agog. “An expansion drive over the past year, with sizeable investments in various value enhancing projects,” apparently, and a record maize harvest which drove input prices southward, like the yellow-billed kite in August. And then, of course just doing well what they do best, which is selling chickens. 

Comment: Nice results in a sector which seems to be on the mend after some bitter going these how many years?

Tiger Brandses full-year profit dropped a worrying 22% to R2billion-odd after the Stripy One was forced to write down the value of two of its acquisitions in Nigeria – Dangote Flour Mills and biscuit-maker Deli Foods. On the upside, turnover grew 11% to R30.1billion, and Tiger are confident that Dangote will come right now-now “as remedial actions to improve product quality, reduce the fixed-cost base and drive top-line growth start to bear fruit”. Tiger, you will recall, bought a 63.5% stake in DFM from Dangote Industries Ltd. in 2012 for about $190million, its biggest acquisition there as it saw limited prospects for rampant growth back home. 

Comment: The risk part has done its worst. Now would be a good time for the reward bit to kick in.

There are those who say that beer and spirits do not mix. To you we say: you have obviously forgotten that green mamba you enjoyed at your 21st, and the peach schnapps you thought was such a good idea just the other night. This notwithstanding, SABMiller are approaching with circumspection their plans to dive more deeply into the spirit market in Africa. It has a small shareholding in Distell, to be sure, and some minor investments in Tanzania, Mozambique and Nigeria. This against the background of healthy growth here but declining beer volumes in Europe. It’s all about the bottom line, says CEO Alan Clark: “Are there opportunities where we can capture more of the beverage profit pool?” 

Comment: To which we would probably reply: “Yes Alan. Yes, there are.”

The inflation rate for October remained unchanged at 5.9% for the previous month, which sources tell us was September. This is significant, because, more or less, that is what Christmas sales are predicted to grow by this year for our embattled retailers, facing load shedding, economic headwinds and a debt-ridden consumer base. This would make it the worst Xmas since the Great Decession struck in ’09, when the season contributed only 11.4% on average to retailers annual sales. 

Comment: On the upside, of course, inflation still running a little on the hot side means that the repo rate remains unchanged, allowing SA’s strapped punters a little more leeway at the tills than if it had gone up.

Swiss babyfood giant Nestlé are exploring foods which can mimic the effects of exercise on the human body, and to this end have discovered a compound called C13, which is able to stimulate an enzyme in charge of regulating metabolism. And once synthesised and packaged, they intend to sell it for one meeeeeelion dollarsss.

South African pharma’s plucky but embattled number 2, Adcock Ingram, posted a modest R50million profit for the quarter which ended with September, perhaps leading Bidvest to deliberate more ponderously on whether it wishes to up its stake in the business, a business which earlier this year it could not seem to get enough of. Bidvest is a business specialising in the sale by auction of paisley waistcoats.