It’s June, the time of year when a brisker wind whistles down the aisles, and the shareholders, stamping their feet and blowing into their hands, begin once more to question Pick n Pay’s family ownership structure. And bang on cue, here’s Opportune Investments CEO Chris Logan, wondering idly if it may be possible to dismantle the Pikwik pyramid control structure while leaving the Ackermen, with 26% of the shares, in effective control. Chairman Ackerman the Younger avers that since the employment of Richard Brasher in his place as CEO, the group has already moved from being "family run" to being ‘family controlled and professionally run", but fails to explain how this differs, for example, from when Sean Summers or Nick Badminton held the top job. He also argues that family control enables long range strategic decision making. To which disgruntled shareholders reply that seven years’ bad luck is quite long range enough, thank you very much.

Comment: Same time next year, then?

At last, perhaps, it may be revealed why Oom Christo likes to pack a few extra pounds in the LV carry-on when holidaying in the UK. He’s hoping, you see, to introduce northerners to the joys of cheap takkies and cut-price school uniforms through his new venture, Pepkor UK. Which, you will be riveted to know, is headed up by two diamond geezers, ex-Asda CE Andy Bond and sidekick Mark Elliott. Excited speculation up and down that normally imperturbable archipelago is that the trio may be planning an approach to Sir Philip Green for the purchase of his retail outfit British Home Stores (BHS, don't you know, fwha, fwha!). The idea, it appears, would be to leverage Pepkor’s monstrous buying power to compete on price in the UK’s formidable retail sector. Pepkor has stores all over Africa, in the brutish Antipodes, and in Poland.

Comment: And you know, sticking it to the Brits after all these years couldn’t be all bad, could it?

Massmart held their AGM last Friday night, and at that lively knees-up, revealed to assembled punters that sales were up 9% in the first 21 weeks of the FY we are pleased to call ’15, with like-store sales up 7% and internal inflation bubbling along at a manageable 4.5%. Growth at Makro was up 12.2%, with 14.9% at Massbuild, 8.2% at Masscash and Massdiscounters 6.3%.  Food and liquor up 8.5% on a comparable basis, general merchandise 3.6%. Being Massmart, Cassandra to the industry (look it up, look it up), they warned that the dear old SA punter was in a hell of a shape and that they were not overly optimistic that this relatively happy state of affairs could continue much longer, with rising inflation, high consumer debt and the catastrophic effects of the mining strike coming into play.

Comment: Nice one, the men in black. A strong and polished set of reigns Mr Hayward has picked up then.

In a massive blow for food safety and security, members of Zambia’s Choma Municipal Council (CMC) Elite Death Strike Force have seized “over thirty” packets of deadly “Frankenfood” off the shelves of a local SPAR. Had they been left there, they may have been sold to unsuspecting citizens, who would doubtless have mutated into imperialistic British homosexuals. The lethal goods, in the form of packets of “bran” and “cornflakes” were produced under the aegis of a shadowy multinational conglomerate known to insiders by its acronym, BOKOMO. The brave men and women of the CMC were acting under orders from the ever-vigilant Ministry of Local Government and Housing, which had recently given the directive that the Biosafety Act Chapter 10 of 2010 of the Laws of Zambia was to be applied “with extreme prejudice”.

Comment: Jokes aside, GM is a visceral issue for punters and governments alike.

Local bakers have begun to bow to the will of consumers, who have indicated that whatever the costs in whiteness, fluffiness, and general unbelievableness, they’d prefer their morning toast without the azodicarbonamide, ta very much. Pioneer, Famous Brands and the in-house bakeries of several major retailers including Pick n Pay have begun leaving ADA out of the recipes, while Albany (belonging to Tiger brands) haven’t used the stuff for absolute yonks. ADA is regulated by the Foodstuffs, Cosmetics and Disinfectants Act, allowing for 45 parts per million as the maximum. ADA breaks down during bread making, forming other chemicals, including SEM, which at high levels has been shown to increase the incidence of tumours in female mice.

Comment: Better safe than sorry, eh? As a general rule, when it comes to manufactured goods. Don’t you think?

Well here’s a jolly old turn up for the books and no mistake: consultants AT Kearney (they of the PowerPoint presentations leading to the Woolies bid on David Jones) have revealed that despite our obvious risks (sector-destroying strikes, felonious presidents) South Africa came in 13th – thirteenth! – on their Foreign Direct Investment (FDI) Confidence Index. How can this be? Well for starters, the index is a measure not of confidence, or attraction or such flim flam: it’s a direct measure of what has been invested in the past year. And having done very nicely in 2011 (with investments of $5.8billion) and 2012 ($4.5billion), our two-place climb up the rankings this year was assisted by BP, who have mentioned they’ll be spending about $550billion over the next few years, on its refinery and terminal, and – get this – 120 BP Express stores in a JV with Pick n Pay. In even better news, Google are spending $12million on solar in the Northern Cape.

Comment: Thank you, British Petroleum. Make yourself at home. Just watch you don’t spill anything, if you don’t mind…

Massmart has been temporarily prevented from opening a Foodco in its Midlands Mall Game by Pick n Pay until the latter’s contractual arrangements with mall-owner Liberty have been clarified to everyone’s satisfaction. Another indicator that its difficulties aside, the big boys are taking Foodco seriously as a threat to their market share.

Just as thousands of sugar industry workers returned to their desks (and indeed their machetes and great smoking pots and conveyor belts and whatnot) last week, FAWU has declared another strike, this time targeting 215 workers employed by the South African Sugar Research Institute (SASRI) and the entire workforces of Illovo Sugar's seven plantations.