In its ongoing effort to practice loyalty without ever uttering the word, perhaps, Shoprite has engaged with the dangerously under-capitalised dunnhumby to apply their customer centricity solutions across grocery business. According to the bumpf, dunnhumby, a leading customer science company, will work closely with the retailer to segment and engage with customers of its more than 1000 grocery retail outlets across Africa more effectively. This will include using Shoprite's own data to better understand customers and improve the in-store experience, focusing, by the sound of things, on better understanding the spending patterns of the consumer segments who shop at Shoprite’s various retail brands and formats.

Comment: Will a branded loyalty programme ensue? Shoprite themselves are unlikely to tell us just at the moment…

“What’s up with Walmart?” we hear you ask, and this time you may have a point. The Big Feller, you see, has cut its quarterly profit outlook, predicting growth that will be flat at best, on a triple whammy of confounding variables – the restructuring of its Sam’s Club unit in the US, the closure of its stores in Brazil and China, and last but not least, the travails of its poorer punter. An estimated 20% of Walmart customers, you see, rely on food stamps for their daily bread, and last year the US Government cut the programme by $5billion, with further cuts expected this year. Also at issue is the emergence of competition, from German discounter Aldi, to Amazon which delivers the big box to your doorstep, to the uniquely American institution of dollar stores, enjoying a new popularity in these straitened times.

Comment: Lessons for us back here in the RS of A, no doubt.

“Staggering” is how even some of the more sober-minded analysts have described the Clover update ahead of its annual results, and for once we’re inclined to agree with them. If you happened to snaffle up a couple of shares when they restructured, say, or announced the advent of project Cielo Blu, you would be looking at headline earnings of 82-92% in the near future, which is what we call a result. According to Clover, the savings achieved by Cielo Blu and other initiatives have played a part, but so too have exchange-rate profits in some of its African subsidiaries on the weakening of the dear old ZAR. Price increases have also helped, as have the non-recurrence of heavy marketing costs associated with the launch of new products early last year. So don’t expect this largesse to be repeated anytime soon, is the message.

Comment: But still. Clover, which used to drop off a couple of stout bottles of the good stuff on our stoep every morning, has turned into an innovative industry leader. Nice one.

After last year’s shocking drop of 82%, Astral Foods is looking a little more sanguine this year, predicting a 20% increase in headline earnings per share (HEPS) for the six months to March. But lest ye get too excited, Astral themselves are attributing the rise to the low base off which it comes. Things are still hellish out there, they say: maize prices are still high, disposable income is still declining and imported chicken is swaggering through our local coffin fridges with an offensively Latin swing of the hips, swish of the cape and curl of the moustache. On the upside, they would have enjoyed the new protective tariffs which the government brought into play in September, as well as the traditional merry festive upswing.

Comment: And come to think of it, wouldn’t Swish of the Cape be a great name for a bar on Camps Bay? It’s yours if you want it.

In order to refresh the flagging sales of the brown fizzy stuff, Coca Cola are thinking of reviving their original recipe, which came with a gram or so of the old Bolivia marching powder in each … just kidding, that of course was just an urban legend. What they’re really doing is this: buying a 10% stake in Green Mountain Coffee Roasters for $1.25billion in order to figure out a way of making cold single-shot coffee beverages using the Keurig pod system - as far as we can tell, although Coke are being understandably cagey about it. As Coke’s core sales have been whittled away by iced coffees, energy drinks and even home systems like Sodastream, they have branched into some interesting areas through acquisition. Recent purchases include Honest Tea organic beverages and Zico coconut water.

Comment: Despite its enormous size, Coke retains a lean and hungry mindset that has seen it weather the vagaries of both hard times and competition over the decades.

According to our friends over at the World Bank, South Africa needs to up its game when it comes to the old export base, in order they say, to boost economic growth and create jobs, particularly in the manufacturing sector. Last year, total exports grew just 0.6%, as the rest of the BRICS pretty much went ballistic. In other export-related news, the EU having kicked up something of a stink about it last year, is now supportive of our decision to ditch bilateral investment treaties it had agreed with EU members. Now the EU is emulating out example and trying to include strict constraints on investors’ ability to take legal action against governments as part of their new trade deal with the USA, which means national interests may be held hostage by the competing needs or preferences of the private sector.

Comment: OK, we understood about half of that ourselves. But let’s start with boosting the exports, OK, then maybe nailing the trade deals.

“Ay, Brent Lidque shot for the Neknomination inspiration ay. I’m downing a pint of Jaeger bombs and donating R5000 a week in fresh produce for the next year to Kos Vir Skole, which feeds 1096 hungry lighties every day. Pick n Pay and Shoprart, we nominating you ay, let’s see what you got okes” etc.