The results Pick n Pay posted on Tuesday wouldn’t have been the ones they were hoping for. Citing depressed economic growth, waning consumer confidence, high levels of household cost inflation, increasing competition in the marketplace and ongoing investment in the business, they told us of sales which increased 7.1% to R59.3billion, but operating profit which declined 30.9% to R808.9million. Like store sales were up only 3%, with 107 new stores contributing the rest, against inflation of 5.9%. And for punters – they still received their dividend, as is customary from The Big Blue, but it was down 35.8%. A glimmer of silver lining may be seen in the Smart Shopper loyalty programme, which accounts for 60% of sales. In the next FY, they plan to spend a further R1.8billion in growing the business, with 100 new stores and improvements to existing ones planned.

Comment: Mr Brasher has his work cut out for him, and no mistake.

Comment: And so it begins. Although with Games outside South Africa growing sales faster than those at home, it’s a questionable approach.

In line with its longstanding and savvy (and dare we say it – sassy?) policy of sponsoring women’s sports, SPAR will be renewing their sponsorship of Netball SA for another three years, covering the national team and the national championships, and extending this year to the Under 19s and the Under 21s, at a cost of R20million all in. They’ll also be a broadcast sponsor for netball on SuperSport, where they’re perhaps best known for their annual sponsorship of Wimbledon. The tried and tested thinking is that as women make up “a huge majority” of SPAR’s customers, it is the Jolly Green One’s duty to support them in their athletic or spectatorial endeavours. The Proteas (as the national team is known, although since that flower has technically been taken might we respectfully submit The Ericas, which has a more hearty, sporty flavour anyway?) now rank number 5 in the world, and believe that with SPAR’s backing they’re headed for the top 3. 

Comment: Typical SPAR: sensible, nice and effective all at once. Reminds us of a girl called Erica we once knew…

We honestly had no idea, but Remgro owns 25.8% of the locally unlisted consumer products giant Unilever, a stake worth 8.2billions of rands, and climbing. In the six months to the end of December, you see, Unilever increased turnover by 11.5%, generating earnings of around R1.1bn, of which Remgro went home with a more than tidy R277m, just for sitting in the leather wingback and flipping through the financials between sips of Bisquit XO (in which by the way, they have a more than recreational interest given their shareholding in Distell). Interestingly, Remgro’s vehicle for food brands is not Unilever but Rainbow, in which Remgro has a stake worth R7.6billion and rising as the Foodcorp transaction comes into play.

Comment: The hand that rocks the cradle, eh. Or something.

Meanwhile, up north in Zimbabwe, powerful sugar and golf estate business Tongaat Hulett is flexing its substantial muscle and repairing to make an example of the crackpot government, by … what? That can’t be right… good heavens … well alright then: The Zimbabwean authorities are preparing to make an example of Tongaat Hulett by going after it for its alleged failure to comply with the policy of indigenisation, under which foreign businesses are required to give away 51% of the shares to locals who may or may not, but probably may, have ties to Zanu PF. “If we don’t get anything acceptable from Tongaat Hulett, the next step will be for government to shut down their operations and take over these operations,” says Advocate Zweli Lunga of the National Indigenisation and Economic Empowerment Board.

Comment: Elections? What elections? This has nothing whatsoever to do with any elections.

Hats off to Nestlé for the most interesting reasons we’ve ever heard for the quarterlies being a touch on the disappointing side: A horse meat scandal in Europe, product recalls of not just pizza but also chocolate eggs (which must let’s face it have a pretty slim recall window), a cold spring ironically hitting the sales of bottled water (a “cold spring” get it?), then as if that wasn’t enough, the destruction by mortar shells of a major factory in Syria, which created shortages in Nido milk powder, Maggi bouillons and Cerelac infant cereals. And sales in Africa, Asia and the miserable Antipodes slowed to 4.4% overall, from 8.4% in full-year 2012. This, they say, will cause organic growth to come in at the dodgier end of the 5-6% target.

Comment: Further bizarre circumstances notwithstanding, that is.

Retail trade sales were up 3.8% YOY for the month of February, compared with just 2.2% in January. But don’t crack the Taittinger just yet: much of that came from the textiles‚ clothing and footwear sector, which grew by 14.3% YOY, given its annual boost by the festival of desperation, guilt and consumption that is Valentine’s Day. And if you’re looking for a little more of the sort of perspective which is delivered in large, icy buckets, retail trade sales account for just 35% of household spending. In the services sector, which accounts for 43%, sales are flat, which indicates more pain to come. In the meantime, Unisa’s personal finance research unit have found that real household wealth has declined since 1975 from an average of R326,000 to R287,000 at the end of 2012.

Comment: Bad news for our industry, bad news for the economy, to which household spending contributes 60%.

…and we’re not suggesting you do, Pick n Pay will soon be phasing out till slips and smart shopper vouchers which contain Bisphenol A, the carcinogen you thought only occurred in baby’s bottles, but is apparently in every bit of paper on your desk, too. And your kids’ school books. Nice one, PnP, though – and thanks for bringing it to our attention.

With the rise of 3D printing, we’ll soon be able to buy exactly what we need, when we need it, without the boring old supply chain getting in the way, from the people who make it. And who makes things? Manufacturers do. Are manufacturers the new retailers? Apart from being too nice, and also negotiable on price, that is? We’ll keep you posted. Or you could embed this revolutionary thinking into your business model and thank us when the bucks start rolling in.

Rob Davies is flailing around for targets now that he loves Walmart, and has settled upon informal traders in counterfeit products, illegally imported cigarettes, soft drinks, wines and spirits, who he says labour under the misapprehension that the townships are a tax haven without the yachts and the Casiraghis. We’re coming after you, is the message, particularly if you’re a foreigner, because the informal trade should really be the preserve of the local poor.

And speaking of Distell, which we were about 6 or 8 inches to the north, they’re rectifying a blinding oversight by buying a company that makes Scotch whiskey, notably absent from the drinks cabinet until now. For the cool price of R2.2bilion they’re acquiring Burns Stewart, a Scottish company, which makes the blended brands Black Bottle and Scottish Leader, as well as the single malts Tobermory, eccentrically named after a Womble, and the unpronounceable though eminently drinkable Bunnahabhain.