Oh, this is fun. We could go on forever like this. Just watch: “And in breaking news, Pick n Pay is not being bought this week by Tesco, Carrefour, Time Warner Inc. and the folks who bring you Hello Kitty.” Neither, we are informed by the business press, are the Ackermen selling their stake in the business to Dutch firm AHold. However, Chairman Ackerman the Younger has conceded that they are looking at changing the pyramid structure of ownership, which allows the family control of Pick n Pay through their 48.3% share in Pikwik, which holds the majority of Pick n Pay shares. And there is also the small matter of the warm relationship the family enjoy with AHold CEO Dick Boer, and the ongoing chats the businesses have been holding about things like skills transfer and strategy.

Comment: And the last time the Dutch embarked on an adventure in these parts it worked out rather well for them. Until it didn’t, of course.

If you’re battling to get a straight answer from the contractors doing your kitchen, perhaps Investec Property may be of some assistance. For it was they who assisted Massmart in the expansion of Makro’s Midrand DC, adding 11,000m² of space for a cavernous total of 27,000m², and all of this in just over six months, from November last to July inst. And all of this with barely a pause for breath: Makro was able to keep the facility fully operational during the extension and refurbishment of the facility without any interruption to their day-to-day activities, although they did spend some weeks into the new section for it to be fully operational by the end of August. Improvements to the site, facilitated through the expansion included the installation of a new roof over the entire premises as well as an upgrade to the fire control systems.

Comment: Look we did mention it was a slow news week. But an impressive feat of sheet-metal and breezeblock construction nevertheless, and one which will no doubt do wonders for the already impressive efficiency of the Makro business.

Woolworths are currently in discussion with the 3% of its store staff – 593 of them to be exact – who are not on a flexible working hours contract, with a view to getting them on board with the programme or putting them out to pasture. This, says the Dapper One, does not amount to a programme of retrenchment, although voluntary retrenchments and early retirements are being offered on generous terms. Woolies began putting its permanent staff on flexitime contracts in 2002; these contracts, we understand, date from the halcyon days before trading on Saturday afternoons, Sundays and public holidays. Woolies employ 18,000 people nationally, and from what we have seen in their recent results, are surely in a position to continue to do so without putting the wind up the shareholders.

Comment: This being both the upside and the downside of staying open 24, 7, baby, 365.

In our experience, when a business wants to conceal something from you, they hide it in a SENS announcement. So it was this week, with Clicks banging on incomprehensibly about an agreement having been entered into for the purchase of a maximum of R100million worth of their own shares by a subsidiary, all in that unattractive Courier New 13 point type that is generally used for these sorts of things. They haven’t pulled the wool over our eyes, though. As an extremely canny punter of our circle puts it, tapping the side of his nose: “Oho, yes: this is merely the company buying back its own shares. Those shares repurchased will then be cancelled. It is essentially a way of returning capital to shareholders and reducing the number of shares in issue. The earnings per share going forward is increased and therefore at an unchanged PE multiple the per share price will rise to the extent required so that the overall market capitalisation is not affected.”

Comment: We couldn’t have put it better ourselves. So we didn’t.

This would have come as a shock to Sean Courtney, but the women of Africa, rather than standing in soft focus behind their menfolk wearing provocatively torn khaki, are choosing more and more to stand next to them at the bar. And the brewers of Africa are coming onboard: in Kenya, 10 alcoholic beverages aimed at women have been introduced to the market in the past five years. And the marketing strategies are changing, too – according to Kenya Wine Agencies Limited (Kwal), women now want to feel that they are part of the “hard core” target market. Diageo, which derives about 40% of its profits from emerging markets believes that the economic empowerment of women across the continent is a driver, while East Africa Breweries limited (EABL) say that women are feeling more confident to order alcohol in public, suggesting a shift in the social mores of an urbanising population.

Comment: A good thing too, they all agree, as the male market stagnates, declines even, and just generally refuses to get up off the couch.

Having gotten rid of their troubled and divisive lead guitarist Larry … what? Oh, that Supergroup … sorry. That Supergroup have reported that revenue for the F.Y. just E.N.D.E.D was up a chart-topping 30% to R10.2bn, with operating profit climbing a stadium-filling 52% to R930million as the operating margin improved to a groupie-attracting 9.1% from 7.8%. For this, the return to profitability of the African Logistics operations and an excellent performance in the fleet solutions division must claim the Record Label’s share. They have also admitted, if that’s the word, that they’re about to conclude an acquisition of a supply chain nature in the UK, which while significant, will not exceed 5% of the value of the current business.

Comment: After the results presentation, the executive team returned to their suite at the Michelangelo, which they set on fire, and threw a television out of the window.

As a Minister of Trade and Industry once remarked to us, “The rand is an easy currency to push around.” This remains true, with the daily turnover of the currency averaging $15billion, giving it a “depth and liquidity” which is appealing to speculators. And moreso in a time of economic uncertainty. This year the dear old ZAR has exhibited more than the usual degree of volatility as global appetites for risk swing from the gluttonous to the anorexic on the merest twitching of a Euro. And developments in the US, which is still suffering from a flaccid recovery from recession and, as a result, from low consumer confidence, may mean more movement is to come. They’re considering another round of something they like to call “quantitative easing” there, and the last time they did this the rand jumped from R10 (in 2009) to R6 (2010) to the USD. If another boost is on its way, however, expect this only sometime in 2013 for reasons we don’t have time to explain.

Comment: (Sotto Voce) Whew. We think we got away with that one. But only just.

According to the office ticker tape, Dave Gibbon has retired as a non-executive director of SPAR, with effect from 7 August 2012, having served honourably since 2004. He will be replaced as chair of the Audit Committee by Chris Wells, in case you were thinking of applying.

The cash-strapped Medical Research Council (MRC) may be looking at closing several of the laboratories and units it manages, including some involved in critical food-safety work. One such is the Programme on Mycotoxins and Experimental Carcinogenesis (Promec) which addresses health issues related to food safety and nutrition, as well as cancer caused by toxic fungi found in food, and has an annual budget of about R8million. The MRC is having to look at funding based on the biggest causes of death in SA – and unsafe food doesn’t crack the top ten. Although it could if they close the labs down…